The Beginning of....nothing.

Never thought I'd feel this way
Staring out the window at the grey, rainy world
Never thought I'd really care this much
Thought it'd just be a fling
Told myself for all those months that I didn't care
What everyone else thought
That they couldn't know what was going to happen
That they didn't matter
That they were wrong
But they weren't
They knew
They had told me from the beginning it wasn't going to work
And I had believed it
THought it'd just be a fling
Just a fun time
That neither one of us would really care about the other
But I did start to care
And I did start to worry about being alone
So I really never thought I'd feel this way
Sitting at my desk
Staring out my window at the grey, rainy world
Waiting for the tea in my cup to finally drain
So I could stare at the bottom
Sure, so I'm superstitious
Never believed in any of the fortune telling
Mumbo jumbo
Then why
Oh why
Am I still sitting here
Still staring at the tea in my cup
Still caring about what people said was going to end up happening
Still faring better than some
Still wearing my hopes and dreams on a chain
But still
Why do I still stare?
Why do I still care?
Why do I still live?
WHY do I STILL keep on thinking it's going to work?
He's going to leave over the summer
I'll never get to see him
He'll be everywhere
And he'll want to do things
And with me,
He won't be able to
Because he wouldn't want to look bad
In front of me
In front of the school
In front of his parents
In front of his friends
In front of my friends
In front of any potential new fling
In front of the world
Because if that happens,
If he did
I'd be upset
I'd cry
I'd scream
I'd throw things
I'd leave
I'd punch a wall
I'd watch the blood well up from the tears
I'd watch it spill down from my knuckles
I'd let it warm my freezing fingers
I'd just bind it up then,
Let them scab over
Watch them scar
Constant reminders of him
Physical scars to remind me of the scars on my heart
Scars from having to fix my heart
After he took it and broke it
Into a thousand tiny little glass shards
It wouldn't be the only time it was broken,
and I'm still searching for some pieces from a long time ago.
But it's like that song
That song from a movie
A somewhat well known movie
Known as Moulin Rouge
It speaks of a boy
A very strange and enchanted boy
Who was shy
and sad
But who came along one day
A magic day
And they spoke of many things
Fools and kings
But in the end,
He said one thing
The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
and be loved in
return.
I had heard it before,
even before he had said that to me
but it was somewhat bittersweet
Like the cold dregs of tea at the bottom of a cup
A cup that had once burned your tongue
but had cooled in the time it had taken
To type up something
There really is no end
Not yet
Because it's only the beginning.
The beginning of misery
The beginning of 'I told you so'
The beginning of pain
The beginning of healing again